What is testing me?
It tests me all the fucking time. The expletive is needed, it is that severe.
I saw my oncologist today. All was good and my parts are working, but once cancer enters the picture… your confidence in your own health goes to shit.
Not all the time, but yes… all the time. New aches have moments that make you think “metastasis?”, old aches make you think “missed location for tumor”… every little things, brings it all there. And I know my odds… I have the same survival rate as someone who didn’t get a cancer diagnosis, that is how early we got it… but there was an it to be got.
I realized last week why I was feeling insanely mixed up (anxious)… this appointment was coming. It, I imagine, will continue like this. I hope that it becomes routine enough that I begin to find some stability in it, but it still makes me a little upset.