What do I love most about what I get to do everyday?
The one thing that I love to do and that I get to be everyday is to be a mom. I love everything about it, even the hard stuff, it is such a reminder of how fragile all humans are. My child keeps me young, my child keeps me steady, my child keeps me going.
It is pretty amazing that this experience causes this kind of intense feeling.
Today I spent the day with my mother and aunt and the rest of the family… and then I went to a party of one of a true blue Harley rider, and someone who I had never met.
I think being outside my comfort zone and hanging out with many early forty something skateboard punks was probably the most fun. I love my family, but they are hard work. That and I did not get to take a pseudo selfie with a life-like Ice Cube face!
So, I went to look up what today’s prompt was and realized that I have been using June instead of May for a bit….
So, it seems like I made the error and stuck to in on June May 6th…
Note to self from June 6th to June 26th, use the May prompts (but double-check in case you got it right).
Anyway, today’s official prompt is “what music did I hear today?” – and this is exciting…
…because the post not only allows for me to use an excessive amount of ellipses, but I also get to say I am going to hear my favorite local band tonight, one I have not heard since 2009.
Here is a song I was able to find:
I loved this band.
I was friends with most of them. The drummer at the start was a very dear friend of mine (the kind you get into all kinds of crazy adventures with), but he got kicked out… well, it was because he was not that good a drummer. The lead singer, let’s call him Biff (not his real name), was a great person to talk to. That, and we were both the subject of the disdain of a tiny little elf of a girl for reasons neither of us are quite sure of.
Biff was one of the few people who admired old country-style music. I had a soft spot for old cowboy music and would share my music with him. It was nice to have a musician that I admire validate my musical preferences.
As a side note; Biff called the Britney song above a pretty good pop song… I would tend to agree!
I did not commit a grievous acts, not was I particularly wonderful and angelic.
I was a human, trying my best… mostly succeeding, sometimes not doing so hot at that succeeding thing.
But, in general, I am OK with who I am. I have made some mistakes and I have had some things I consider successes. I am getting more confident, and not the brave face kind that is actually pasted on… I am finding the kind of confidence that is really about how much I believe in me. This is kind of cool, though… please… know that this is still a huge work in progress.
I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore, but that is something I have to own. It is interesting to get to the place that I know that this is something that is mine, not something that is gifted to me by others. This is weird. I mean it is so obvious when you see it in words but so different in practice.
“Without looking at the previous years entry first, sign your name.”
I have no idea what the fuck this prompt means. I feel like I am not privy to an inside joke.
So here goes
Then there are these;
None of which may be actually mine.
What do I want to talk about…
For the first time in months and months I slept through the night. Wow, I feel the most rested I have in months. It is a bit disconcerting though. In a good way.
My state of being?
I do not feel as angry at my mother, I figure I am going to have to live with it and I am finding the strength to set my boundaries and not really worrying if she won’t respect them.
Betrayal and friendship
Still sucks, but coming to terms with what that would looks like for the friendship.
I had a long ass panic attack after a board retreat recently. I am not sure why. Maybe because I felt a bit micro managed. I hate being micro-managed. I am not sure how to address this issue with the president, I believe she is at the helm of micromanagement.
Since “the diagnosis” I feel like life is terribly unsettled. Not the kind of unsettled that might mean exciting new things are happening but the kind of unsettled that you might feel when watching a horror movie and that things are ominous and are going to get bad… except that I am more hopeful than that. I am working towards things getting good, but they are still unsettled.
I am still so angry about things that happened as I was recovering. Things that were out of my control, with the exception of how I handled it. I am proud of how I handled things, but I am still so heartbroken about them none-the-less. I wanted to feel loved, I didn’t.
Betrayals of this sort are hard to work through, especially when the other party is not interested in making things better. I think, though, that some people are just wired for “get over it” and that is not so easy for me to do now. I don’t want to live with that kind of things looming silently.