we’re not all assholes – 234/366 (catch up)

Did I pay it forward?

I live in a constant state of indebtedness to the idea of paying it forward.

But I don’t under pay or over pay it forward. This is to an idea of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth… when giving back, in the sense of paying it forward there is a sacred element, like  a calling to a higher duty. This concept makes my newly atheist self completely lost, but it is like a contract with my fellow humans.

I think I need to re-evaluate how I do it, I think I have been giving it back all wrong.

The other day my husband was very upset about someone complaining about Mother Teresa.  I told him that not everyone can see the blessing through the tarnish. Teresa herself struggled with hearing God.  Unlike me, she kept trying to listen. But, I am not sure God or a higher power in a deity sense has to be mandatory to the equation.

I have benefit greatly from those time when people have given to me, so I try to give to others.

“Every once in a while try to do something nice for somebody you don’t know, even if it’s just leaving an opening in traffic for them to merge into, small things like that give people hope that we’re not all assholes.”
~ Joshua Neik

a singularly plain, featureless landscape – 233/366 (catch up)

What was the highest point of my day today in the last twenty-four hours?

I think I enjoyed having an early dinner with my mother and nephews. Of course my household was there!  I wish I were one of those cancer people who counted every blessing and was delighted at every moment because it could be my last and all that other fucking bullshit. The truth is, this living shit is hard. There are moments when I wish it would stop, when the times it feel glorious are just not seeming to be worth it.  Then I look at my kid and it does, but it is mixed in with the knowledge that he is going to experience life very similarly.

Please, I do not want to die… it isn’t that. But this life thing can feel kind of pointless. I revisited the whole thing with my mother and aunt today. I am so glad I am not as angry as I was, though I feel detached from them now.  and there is even a sense of detachment from that detachment. I evolved in to a keen observer of life and have found it wanting…

except in those moments when things make me feel happy and there isn’t issues with money or sides or time or effort. Hmm, my biggest buzz kill seems like it is people getting their panties all in a bunch.

 

“My peak? Would I even have one? I hardly had had anything you could call a life. A few ripples. some rises and falls. But that’s it. Almost nothing. Nothing born of nothing. I’d loved and been loved, but I had nothing to show. It was a singularly plain, featureless landscape. I felt like I was in a video game. A surrogate Pacman, crunching blindly through a labyrinth of dotted lines. The only certainty was my death.”
~ Haruki Murakami

Question everything – 232/366

What can I learn from today the last twenty-four hours?

So much to learn from today. From Everyday!!!

First of all, my dear peeps out there. I have a Facebook page for this place…. go here to check it out!  Then like it, because it is the nice thing to do!

I also imported all my old blog posts from my original blog over here.  I have been blogging 12 years in September (I backdated some things for the sake of the history of my pregnancy)!

What can I learn from today the last twenty-four hours…. hmm

  • I had a very busy week, so I have learned  (ahem – yet again – ) how important sleep is to me.
    • I learned that I love arugula. I mean I knew that, but I guess it was a love recently reinforced!
  • I learned that I love my Dining for Women chapter (OK, I already knew that)! Being with them makes me feel so grateful to be a woman among women who give a shit.  I feel like a stray that they picked up.
    • I realized I do not ever want to be a full-time writer. I do want to write. This feels weird.
  • It is always a good morning when my tween wakes up in a good mood.
    • I will always make someone mad at me. I am actually more OK with this right now that I have ever been before.
  • My oncologist called me unexpectedly. I was not prepared for something like this and started crying. It was good news, but still, I was expecting a card not a phone call.

“Question everything.
Learn something.
Answer nothing.”
~ Euripides

a strongly marked personality – 231/366

Who has had the biggest influence on my day?

Does this mean someone other than myself?

Because I can’t think of anyone that has directly influenced my day.

There are those subtleties, like the woman who I have a very passing acquaintanceship with who said it was sweet that I wanted to send cookies for a wedding cookie table (that is such a cool thing). Or the news that my FIL is in good spirits after a cancer diagnosis (thought the news of the diagnosis sucks shit). The email saying I was definitely accepted into a leadership program and should be getting a packet and email about that soon. Even the LinkedIn message from a high school friend asking after me. And lastly perhaps news that my aunt is out of surgery but doing well in spite of some telemetry unit type issues.

But those feel like a bunch of sprinkles on a cupcake or doughnut, a frill that makes it nice…  but not completely necessary and not sufficient to living well.

In a more metaphysical sense (I am not talking ghosts or things of that ilk, but more in a philosophical sense by which I mean something outside of the physical world) I suppose I am influenced daily and deeply by my ancestors.

My great-great grandfather came to Arizona before statehood (Feb/14/1912). He was a medical missionary to the local tribes. I think of him and his east coast socialite wife navigating the rugged southwest. Or the great-grandparents that came because of the railroad system and tuberculosis and embedded themselves into some of Arizona’s quirkier history.  Another great-grandmother (daughter of the socialite) with a dour disposition and a story I am not sure how to piece together but curious and compelling mixed in with pieces of “do I really want to know”? MY grandparents on both sides – my grandfathers where one was brilliant and educated while the other was a true cowboy of the American west. Their wives similar in that they were both college educated and with different skill sets. One with a love for things creative and the other for a love of teaching (I think).

“I hold that a strongly marked personality can influence descendants for generations.”
~ Beatrix Potter

She makes some pretty awesome singing faces!!!