The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.
~ St. Jerome
Today I scheduled a follow-up eye appointment for October.
As I opened up my calendar I realized that the four months would land on the day before I had my surgery, which was when my eye problems started.
In the eight months since my life was spared and my body was torn apart in order to do that… a lot has happened.
One of the things that I find most striking is that my eyes have changed. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I have noticed.
I am not sure when I started to think my eyes looked different to me, but I recall wondering if somehow my irises had become lighter or cloudier in color. Cataracts at my age?
The crux is that they don’t look happy to me, they looked pained, tired, and perhaps even scared.
I don’t know that I am any of those things, but I am a very different person than I was in 2014 B.D.
That B.D. is Before Diagnosis.
This process has been hard, but the hardest part was learning to stand up for myself. Standing up to a mother and aunt that I know love me, but who felt that age gave them some sort of prize that included tearing me down… I am sure that is (was) not their intent… but as they threw things at me that I would have previously have bowed my head to and ignored but in the middle of my fight to feel whole again seemed unduly cruel coming from them. As I said, I am sure they did not mean it, but they still hurt me very deeply on a level that a doctor could not touch.
I think, perhaps, that is part of the cloudiness that I see in my eyes.
It is also navigating my health after a pretty invasive surgery, the unwanted weight gain, the change in shape, the pain, the aches… the health of my eyes included.
They are better now though, the scars left on them through repeated injury (and a misdiagnosis) are healing, are almost gone. The burden of the change of lifestyle for them is permanent… eye drops for life, they said. Keep them moist, they said. I will, I reply.
But when I got home from my appointment today, I looked in the mirror and still saw that certain kind of cloudiness, and I hoped it was not permanent.
Then there is this.
“Behind these eyes there is a girl trapped within her pain – a girl feeling all the emotions of anger and sadness. She’s fighting for a way out.”
~ Chimnese Davids