Probably, and if I do… please tell me because it has presently slipped my mind and I hate it when I remember later…because of that guilt stuff that happens. I usually try to pay off my debts as any good former Presbyterian would do.
“The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.”
~ P.G. Wodehouse
I think that I compromised when I let people throw me under the bus. I think this let me be too easy for people, so I became that one who you can throw under a bus, a scapegoat.
“The middle path makes me wary. . . . But in the middle of my life, I am coming to see the middle path as a walk with wisdom where conversations of complexity can be found, that the middle path is the path of movement. . . . In the right and left worlds, the stories are largely set. . . . We become missionaries for a position . . . practitioners of the missionary position. Variety is lost. Diversity is lost. Creativity is lost in our inability to make love with the world.”
~ Terry Tempest Williams, Leap
I struggle with these questions that can be left open to a superficial or a deeper interpretation. Life is a risk, every day brings things we are surprised by, if it doesn’t then you I would venture to guess that you are not doing it right.
I am a Pollyanna. Most people assume it means I don’t see bad and ugly. I disagree, I think i see past the bad and ugly. I have a friend that has given me the impression that I am not doing life right, that my quest for plain and simple and quiet is wrong, that my wish to behold the beauty is wrong… that I am a failure for failing to embrace the mean and cruel, the ugly.
The thing is, I think that I do that… but, I reject it.
I mean that after several years of trying things out my friends way, I was not any happier. I was probably more miserable, felt less resilient. Granted a cancer diagnosis in the midst of trying to embrace the fucked up side of life was not helpful… but then, was it a result of that?
So here I am, embracing gentle again. trying to forgive myself for letting myself fall. Working hard at not letting the negative invade.
What memories came to mind today in the last 24 hours?
Quite a few things popped in to my mind;
my son as a preemie in NICU
when my son fell in a hole with live electrical wires and in spite of several kids that were playing with him who could have helped but didn’t, he ended up getting saved by a dog. But I was the bad guy. #stillbitter #mommad
That we got our dog one year ago today
“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.”
~ Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
I sought out the place where I am happy; a lost magical world filled with grace.
“The monster I kill every day is the monster of realism. The monster who attacks me every day is destruction. Out of the duel comes the transformation. I turn destruction into creation over and over again.”
The prompt was what was the last gift I gave… which I just answered.
What was the last one I received? How about that?
I was gifted with people who seek my counsel, advise, my time, me. Being wanted is perhaps the greatest thing to be given.
“They left like you knew they would. They went away and you fell like a stone. All the way to the bottom of your room. I see you, yes I see you. Sitting in your chair, hating every minute of it. Falling like a stone without even moving. It hurt you to know that you were right about all the shit you wanted to be wrong about. They always leave you. You put yourself in the right place to get left.”
sometimes I think that Henry Rollins is such a shallow pseudo intellectual hipster of his own genre, so it gave me perverse pleasure to put him in post with a Bon Jovi song because he gives off the vibe that he things that might somehow be beneath him and to the counter Jon Bon Jovi does not. #judgemuch