By this time next week you will no longer be in Arizona. You may be leaving the United States, even. You will be in an airport or on an airplane heading off… away from me.
(pause, just typing that made me cry)
Yes, you will be on a plane, headed to Austria with your dad. You will be headed for what will surely be a most magnificent trip. You will experience so many new things. There is a part of me that is so very excited for you! Oh, actually, in a strange way all of me is excited for you.
However, I feel helpless. For the first time since you were created, I have to give up complete control over your life. Sure, you may have thought you ruled your world, but I promise you… I have been pacing back and forth behind you, snarling and roaring and even staring down others and basically just making sure you are all right. All my choices have you involved in them at some point. Every. Single. One.
So, I have been preparing for your departure by trying to picture losing that ability, the ability to pace around behind you snapping at mean kids and adults alike. You live in your own world, where you can reconcile evolution, laws of physics, and other wonderful sciency stuff with the existence of God. This makes you happy, but you don’t see people as being capable of being mean.. thankfully, I get to do that for you. However, this happy look at the world makes me proud of you and I hope against hope that you won’t let either side dissuade you of keeping your feet firmly planted in both realms.
But, the truth is my dear… I have felt a constant and unending rush of adrenaline coursing through my body for the past week or so. I mean constantly, like of every minute… a feeling like I either need to run away from a T-Rex that is trying to eat you and me or as if I need to punch someone in the face.
Yes, it is that fierce… but we are talking about how much I love you.
Sweetness, I am going to miss you so much! I am going to miss your goofy smiles and funny statements and I am just feeling like my world is going to slowly implode while you are away. For the last week, you are the only thing that has been able to make me smile…. everyone else has either seemed insignificant or inconsequential or just downright pissed me off. Yes, I know I said pissed, but I mean it (and that is why we save those words up, for the times when we really mean it).
Kiddo, I keep telling myself that I want this to be a wonderful experience for you, and I mean it when I tell it to myself (and even when I don’t tell it)…
My job, the one that I was gifted with by life universal and all the wonderful powers that be, is to be your mom. That is so deeply sacred. So, I feel like this experience (of you moving away) is the most sacred act of mine upon that compact. It is hard, unbelievably hard for me to let this happen… without kicking and screaming… see, I know I am going to have to let this happen eventually, I was just given an opportunity to let go a bit earlier than most.
I love you Squinky, with all my heart.
PS – You know that in the event of a zombie apocalypse that the first thing I grab is you… so matter where you are… because you are who I would want to be with.
PPSS The other day when I asked you my daily questions on our way home, your answer to “Tell me about something that made you feel loved?” You answered by telling me that it was making this picture!