3rd Time is a charm

Saint Agatha by Francisco de Zurbarán [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I find myself asking myself the following two questions:

Will I live better?

Will I live longer?

I recently found out I have cancer – again. The third time over all.

This time it is called recurrence. Localized recurrence.

At this point it appears localized, and I have no reason to doubt that – but recurrence makes one super fucking skeptical.

This news is borderline traumatic. I was hoping for some good times where I could enjoy being considered cancer free.

The thing is chemo and radiation did not work so there is that – where to go next.

I did decide on a bilateral mastectomy

and I am pondering reconstruction

but not sure of what is next….

but the wind has been knocked out of my sails

and I am floundering

I know that I want to live

and I get so upset when I can’t envision holding my grandchildren

or seeing my son age into the man he will become

and so I push myself to see those things, and they are murky

My head space is filled with so much right now, everything is cloudy.

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a cloudy sky”
― Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart