Monthly Archives: December 2016

if you gaze long enough into an abyss – 356/366

What’s worth fighting for?

Perseus Fighting Phineus and his Companions by Luca Giordano
Perseus Fighting Phineus and his Companions by Luca Giordano

Oh goodness, I am so terrible at picking my battles that I am not sure I am fully qualified to answer this kind of question. I do know that I would fight to the death to protect my son. That is an abyss that can stare back into me and which could never win while I still live.

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

those who were seen dancing – 354/366

The music genre I listen to the most is __________

According to my iTunes play count my preferred songs are;

  1. Classical (including opera)
  2. Bluegrass
  3. Rock

I have always claimed a varied and eclectic taste in music, though I am not sure this proves much of anything.

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

unveil them to the eyes of men – 353/366

What was my weakness today in the last twenty-four hours?

Mr. Caudle has a weakness for gingerbread nuts

My being is my biggest weakness, though it also happens to be my biggest strength. I tend fall easily into the traps of solitude.

“Great occasions do not make heroes or cowards; they simply unveil them to the eyes of men. Silently and perceptibly, as we wake or sleep, we grow strong or weak; and last some crisis shows what we have become. ”
~ Brooke Foss Westcott

I advise you to do the same – 352/366

What is one thing I was told today in the last twenty-four hours that I don’t want to forget?

Hmm – nothing magnificently radical comes to mind. Though I think hearing my son tell me he loved me was particularly heartwarming and wonderful and worthy of remembering in some for of perpetuity.


“You’ll forget it when you’re dead, and so will I. When I’m dead, I’m going to forget everything–and I advise you to do the same.”
~ Kurt Vonnegut, Cat’s Cradle

so many pages to a person – 351/366

Who do I wish had been part of my day?

I don’t know – I spent the day with my son and my mother and then the evening with my son and my husband.

It was the first time I had spent time with my mother since before Thanksgiving, it was nice and the rough edges to our relationship are getting smoothed. We got pedicures, and that was rather nice.

“For if we’re destroyed, the knowledge is dead…We’re nothing more than dust jackets for books…so many pages to a person…”
~ Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451


A light from the shadows shall spring – 350/366

Who is the strongest person I know?

Goodness, that is a tough one. If I consider strength as a physical trait then I would have to think it is a friend of a friend – but that is just because he has frighteningly YUGE muscles.

If I consider strength of character then I think the answer is so complex that it would involve a number of people, too numerous to name, whom have dealt with something deeply heartbreaking.


“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring


most of which never happened – 349/366 (catch up)

Was I a positive or a negative person today in the last twenty-four hours?


I feel, at times, like I am trying to crawl out of the darkest space I have ever managed to inhabit.  But that is making it more than it really has been, and yet doesn’t quite touch it.

Cancer is a fucking asshole.

I met with one of my oncological providers last week and we talked about how I am feeling. I was told that all of those are completely normal for anyone with a cancer diagnosis to experience. Couple that with the changes (hormonal) that a woman of my age often starts to experience, and you have the crazy state I have been in… of course my mother and aunt’s behaviour hasn’t helped any – but I was told recently by a fellow survivor, that most peoples friends and families act weird – and I want to add as fuck (my words).

I am feeling more hope-full today.  It is the Winter Solstice. My favorite days of the year. The moving from the shortest of day (in terms of daylight) and heading back into the sunshine. My grandmother and my son flank the two days that make it up, the old to the new – a true time for change.


“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
~ Mark Twain