What was the highest point of my day
today in the last twenty-four hours?
I think I enjoyed having an early dinner with my mother and nephews. Of course my household was there! I wish I were one of those cancer people who counted every blessing and was delighted at every moment because it could be my last and all that other fucking bullshit. The truth is, this living shit is hard. There are moments when I wish it would stop, when the times it feel glorious are just not seeming to be worth it. Then I look at my kid and it does, but it is mixed in with the knowledge that he is going to experience life very similarly.
Please, I do not want to die… it isn’t that. But this life thing can feel kind of pointless. I revisited the whole thing with my mother and aunt today. I am so glad I am not as angry as I was, though I feel detached from them now. and there is even a sense of detachment from that detachment. I evolved in to a keen observer of life and have found it wanting…
except in those moments when things make me feel happy and there isn’t issues with money or sides or time or effort. Hmm, my biggest buzz kill seems like it is people getting their panties all in a bunch.
“My peak? Would I even have one? I hardly had had anything you could call a life. A few ripples. some rises and falls. But that’s it. Almost nothing. Nothing born of nothing. I’d loved and been loved, but I had nothing to show. It was a singularly plain, featureless landscape. I felt like I was in a video game. A surrogate Pacman, crunching blindly through a labyrinth of dotted lines. The only certainty was my death.”
~ Haruki Murakami