Looking beyond – 147/366

How close was today to perfect?

No. Such. Thing.

Bob Marley Just because you are happy it does not mean that the day is perfect but that you have looked beyond its imperfections

 

However…

I think that something cool happened and I am feeling my way out of the weird phase I have been in.

I am listening to the mistress of feel, Brené Brown.

This book is Daring Greatly.

I have been feeling shame and failure. Failure and shame about having cancer, failure and shame about not being grateful enough to make my aunt and therefore my mother happy. Failure and shame and a loss of connection. I wish I could fully articulate how much this realization just hit me.  The interesting thing about feeling shame and failure in this case was that it was so unfamiliar that I did not know what it was. I have been so privileged in my life that I did not recognize that this is what was happening with me.

Anyway, the interesting thing is that I think it was severe for me. The reason I suggest this is because my instinctual reaction was to hide away and close off all willingness to get close to anyone other than my husband who had stood by me and supported me through the process.  I reached out to a friend, one of the people who added to this in a more minor role but which still lead to my withdrawing from people.  I was such an open person (not without a plethora of faults) but generally a nice person, again in my opinion [and I see myself having to qualify this because I stopped believing it and began believing I was a failure and feeling like I have no right to own thinking that I am a nice person].

shit people

this feels like trauma

I also need to know how to get past this. It says that one needs to re-connect. To find people to be vulnerable with.

I am not sure how to do this with my mother and aunt. I am so scared of being humiliated by them again. I can’t decide that it is worth it.

One of the things that Brené Brown says is that she carries a small piece of paper that has all the  names of people who matter to her…

“I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to know that I’m trying to be Wholehearted, but I still cuss too much, flip people off under the steering wheel, and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod.”  ~Brené Brown

Right now I don’t think I would put their names on it, but a part of me wants to be able to.

(n.b. I have Perry Como and AC/DC on my iPod… and the animaniacs)

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