Looking forward looking back – 130/366

What am I looking forward to?

I think I am most looking forward getting past the intense vulnerability of figuring out my post cancer diagnosis life.

I, early on, kind of expected that I would have some sort of trans-formative experience… It is what some say. Then I was reading some other survivor (and sometimes I hate this word) accounts that it may not happen, it doesn’t to everyone. Then I read that my job was to throw my self a pity party, but to stop that right away and move on. And then I wrote about my gratitude about the people the helped me, and then I got a text, email, and phone call from my mother about how I had insulted my aunt.  And the process I was searching for meaning in, disappeared.  And I became so bitter and angry. One of the main people who I had hoped would guide me gently through the process called me out and pointed out that I could not even do surviving cancer well.  I failed at living by getting cancer, and I was failing at getting past it, at surviving. When I tried to communicate the feelings I was told to get over and that life is tough and frankly that did not help, because that told me that I was not worthy of being gentle to.

What I am managing now is that process. Trying not to be devastated by my own mother, whose own research talks on the power of mothers, was a catalyst to my sense of failure.

I am trying to lean in to myself. to stop letting others define me… and perhaps hardest of all I am trying to learn what this very bumpy part of the path that is my life is trying to teach me.

 

 

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