Monthly Archives: April 2016

Keep calm – 102/366

What is testing me?

Cancer.

It tests me all the fucking time. The expletive is needed, it is that severe.

I saw my oncologist today. All was good and my parts are working, but once cancer enters the picture… your confidence in your own health goes to shit.

Not all the time, but yes… all the time. New aches have moments that make you think “metastasis?”, old aches make you think “missed location for tumor”… every little things, brings it all there. And I know my odds… I have the same survival rate as someone who didn’t get a cancer diagnosis, that is how early we got it… but there was an it to be got.

I realized last week why I was feeling insanely mixed up (anxious)… this appointment was coming. It, I imagine, will continue like this. I hope that it becomes routine enough that I begin to find some stability in it, but it still makes me a little upset.

 

Faith – 99/366

I have faith that_______________

::sigh::

I am starting to dislike the word faith.

Faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing; or the observance of an obligation from loyalty; or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement; or a belief not based on proof; or it may refer to a particular system of religious belief, such as in which faith is confidence based on some degree of warrant.

When I woke up on the Easter before last and read some things I hope would be inspiring but instead just made me nauseous and drove me to the point of thinking “I can’t do this any more”. The Christ that was held up to me on that day was not the icon I had grown to appreciate. The ideas and notions seemed so foreign, so distant, that they felt cruel to me. So, I moved closer to one end of the agnostic spectrum. The funny thing is that I can’t say it is that it is about feeling let down, but it was more of things  that I had help on to in faith just disappeared. And I was strangely and calmly OK with that result, though very perplexed by what had happened. I am still confused, but it is a gentle confusion… no ranting or tearing at my hair and breast… it is acceptance that this is just what is. My curious nature wants to explore, but how does one explore nothingness?

I noticed yesterday that many of the folks who had started following this blog are devout Christians. I read through their posts and about me pages and was so curious. I suppose I am not open enough about how I feel, as I would assume they would not have interest in someone who tends to reject what they are so passionate about. Reject, however, is not the right word.

I am trying to come up with things that I would have faith in… and I draw a blank. Then, I feel guilty… because in my mind it seems like I should have faith in something, if we go the loyalty route I would have to say my family….

BUT

I can’t claim that. I love my son, I love my husband, mother, father, brothers, sister…  but do I have faith they will love me in return? Not after this past year, except for maybe my son and husband.

I suppose the biggest enemy of faith is doubt. I have plenty of that. I am at a point where I am screaming for anything to show me. Until that moment when I am shown, I am skeptical. And in that moment, I recognize how temporary things are.

I have faith in friends… no in specific ones mind you, but in a collective. People being there for me to some capacity, without name or face. A strange notion to ponder as well. When I try to consider specific people, faith in them rings a bit hollow… many of my close ones seem nebulous in terms of faith though I love them very much and do not think I doubt them.. but in trying to say if I have faith in them, it seems trite and a silly consideration.

I am, in perusing my prior word, not doing a good job at trying again to explore this.

TV or not TV – 98/366

What is my favorite TV show?

My favorite TV show is actually the book.

I have a fondness for certain TV shows, most from my youth. I like to watch Big bang theory though I have not seen an episode in over a year. We have not really turned on our TV in about 4 years.

“So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.”
~ Roald Dahl