I have faith that_______________
I am starting to dislike the word faith.
Faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing; or the observance of an obligation from loyalty; or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement; or a belief not based on proof; or it may refer to a particular system of religious belief, such as in which faith is confidence based on some degree of warrant.
When I woke up on the Easter before last and read some things I hope would be inspiring but instead just made me nauseous and drove me to the point of thinking “I can’t do this any more”. The Christ that was held up to me on that day was not the icon I had grown to appreciate. The ideas and notions seemed so foreign, so distant, that they felt cruel to me. So, I moved closer to one end of the agnostic spectrum. The funny thing is that I can’t say it is that it is about feeling let down, but it was more of things that I had help on to in faith just disappeared. And I was strangely and calmly OK with that result, though very perplexed by what had happened. I am still confused, but it is a gentle confusion… no ranting or tearing at my hair and breast… it is acceptance that this is just what is. My curious nature wants to explore, but how does one explore nothingness?
I noticed yesterday that many of the folks who had started following this blog are devout Christians. I read through their posts and about me pages and was so curious. I suppose I am not open enough about how I feel, as I would assume they would not have interest in someone who tends to reject what they are so passionate about. Reject, however, is not the right word.
I am trying to come up with things that I would have faith in… and I draw a blank. Then, I feel guilty… because in my mind it seems like I should have faith in something, if we go the loyalty route I would have to say my family….
I can’t claim that. I love my son, I love my husband, mother, father, brothers, sister… but do I have faith they will love me in return? Not after this past year, except for maybe my son and husband.
I suppose the biggest enemy of faith is doubt. I have plenty of that. I am at a point where I am screaming for anything to show me. Until that moment when I am shown, I am skeptical. And in that moment, I recognize how temporary things are.
I have faith in friends… no in specific ones mind you, but in a collective. People being there for me to some capacity, without name or face. A strange notion to ponder as well. When I try to consider specific people, faith in them rings a bit hollow… many of my close ones seem nebulous in terms of faith though I love them very much and do not think I doubt them.. but in trying to say if I have faith in them, it seems trite and a silly consideration.
I am, in perusing my prior word, not doing a good job at trying again to explore this.