Time may change me… (day 2)

But I can’t trace time…

 

I have always loved this song, it is allegedly a happy accident of a song that was written during a good time in Bowie’s life.  It has always been so  sober a song for me.

This year, as I reflect on how time has changed me… I am ever so much more aware that I can’t do anything about time… other than perhaps to prepare for it.

This came to me as I sat in my dermatologists office today getting screened for skin cancer. I have never been checked out, and have a history of sunburns so bad that I went into shock.

I am currently running this weird mind game where I vacillate between knowing that my post cancer survival rate is beyond awesome, but it is also no guarantee.  There is some country music star that had recurrence, her cervical cancer had spread to her colon and she decided to terminate treatment and go home to live out the rest of her life. So I see this news and i get that feeling of dread all over my body, like something awful has happened… and I feel a little nauseous, and teary. My illogical brain has taken over.

This was something I have observed in others who have gotten the cancer diagnosis, this paralyzing fear of recurrence. In my case it is so ridiculous, my cancer was found so early that my “5 year survival rate” is the same as someone who has not had cancer… But “The Cancer” it changed me, and I can’t do anything about it really. Sure I can choose how to manifest it all but the fact is that there is a change that would not otherwise be there. I don’t think I can come out of this transformed into a new magnificent Blair, where some form of transcendence has occurred and I am a “child of god”, this has a dark tinge to it that I don’t yet understand. As I weave my way around this new dark tinge, taking it all in, I have to consider how much I will let it own me. Own me it does, this dark tinge. I saw this only because this dark tinge wound its way around me and changed me. I am still trying to figure it out, but I am better at being immune to crazy and even more so about knowing what I am going through.

​These children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds, are immune to your consultations, they’re quite aware of what they’re going through.
~ David Bowie​
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