Facing the past/present/future (day 2)

Today I face embrace step two of the suggestions this article has for addressing the negative: 

2. Become very clear on what the specific upset is by identifying the exact thoughts that are bothering you. Are they self-judging, bad memories, or anxiety about future events? Any thought that causes dis-ease in you, regardless of past, present or future is applicable.

I think there is something very complex here, at least for me. One on end I feel very betrayed by my mother. She chose to stand up for my aunt and chastise me over my not thanking my aunt enough. I was in a more vulnerable place than my aunt, I was desperately seeking a place where good was abundant, I was beating myself up for getting a cancer that is considered sexually transmitted. So, maybe I saw the motivation behind my mother taking me down as an effect of her (and obviously my own) judgement about that. There is a lot of feelings of being a failure, there is a lot of feelings of feeling abandoned. And with those, there is a certain anxiety about my future.

Action:

I was at a leadership retreat recently where we did an exercise in which we had to picture us as an 8 or 9 year old. We were to talk to her about how wonderful she was, because it is easier to do that than to tell ourselves.

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Blair, you are a strong, kind, wonderful little girl. You are loving and kind, you are so willing and eager to take care of people and over that sentiment is a sense that you love everyone deeply. I see that, I see that these feelings are more complex than you can fully articulate. I see that you are so easily hurt when people tell you are not kind, but you are… don’t let those words close you off from doing that, it is where you find grace. You are human and that means that it is ok to learn from hardships. Fight that urge to tell all these people who have hurt you to fuck off,  even if it comes from some deeply embedded hurt… you are more gentle than that. I love you, be strong.

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