I have had my paperwork to fill out for my upcoming oncology appointment for over a week.
It was on the floor for several days, then I put it in my work bag to take and complete on a break, but it still is in there. It is not filled out.
I have to fill it out this weekend.
I want to avoid this whole thing. It is all encompassing. It permeates so many things.
An email sent to explain why I have to turn over some of my volunteer efforts and how I would like to see them handled gets forwarded without thought to the information contained within. People who see that email decide it is OK to come up to me and tell me the email has been forward and mentions of things like “your condition” and “your health issues” permeate the conversation that she thinks is acceptable to have in front of my son.
I want to know why everyone thinks it is appropriate to think it is a good think to talk about this in front of a child.
Others have done this, talking about my cancer in front of my son.
And they can frolic away thinking they have been so good and noble and all because they got to tell me they are concerned while I am left with a concerned son, who has since started throwing up at school (again)… something I believe is tied to stress and concern.
And I want to yell at these well meaning but stupid people; “Why the fuck have you decided you can make this more complicated for me and then think you are so dammed just and gracious?”.
They are so blissfully unaware. I have to let go but as I deal with a son who I am trying to convince that I will be fine and nothing is wrong and because he dwells in silence from not understanding what is going on has no idea of what questions he needs to ask and I can’t know what I need to address.
I don’t know how to tell these people that they have been wrong in how they handled this. I am not even sure that I should. I know that if I would do something so thoughtless that I would want to know. but I don’t know how to be gentle about it.
I wonder if this is about displacing the anger at the way my body has betrayed me towards others. It is hard, and confusing, and ever so extremely frustrating.
I recognize it goes both ways, allowing what will continue I mean. Do I allow myself to dwell in my reactions or do I allow them a lesson learned so that they can learn from their experiences.
Who needs the most of my energy?
How do I travel this road gently and with grace?