A while back I shared a post about the way I was feeling as the seasons change… it is a pretty standard thing and I try to prepare for that to some extent (with some years faring better than others).
In general, I think that I usually reside in a place where I am rather comfortable with who I am. There are things that can set me off on a spiral of self-doubt. One of those is alluded to in my post yesterday. I have a huge tendency to think that I am stupid. It is the one thing that people can impart to me that will render me feeling low, extremely low. I can recall the day it reared its ugly head and hit me in the gut so hard I wanted to fall off of the chair I was sitting on.
But I don’t want to talk about that day.
One of the things that is my biggest source of pride and joy is my family, all of my family… I include my immediate as well as extended family and then include those whom have been adopted. They are all, without a doubt, some of the smartest people I have ever met, known and loved. Most have accomplishments that are not in the standard. My family includes Olympic caliber athletes, rocket scientists (at the dawn of the space programs), chemists, knitters, interior designers, artists, teachers, engineers, technology specialists, photographers, teachers, musicians, professors, and bullfighters to name but just a few. All of them excel at something that is unbelievably dynamic. I see them and am so proud of them and their glory. However, it is terribly intimidating. I don’t think I excel at anything. I am often accused of dabbling, and it is the truth. I explore things and learn about them, I enjoy them, but I never ever excel at them. It is a rut of my own making. Nothing that interests me does so to the level that makes me want to excel at it. Which casts a huge cloud of failure over me, especially in light of the excellence of those I love…
I really am working to try to move past that, but I am not sure I can. For one, I am related (both by gene and by spirit) to some of the most amazing and excellent people. And then, there is so much out there to learn that being left in the darkness (of being a mere dabbler) seems like the only place to be that is possible for someone like me.