feebalities of my mind

because I feel free to make up words.

In case you missed it that made up word is feebalities, the root word of which is feeble and you might understand it if you read my post a few back.

Last night I had dinner with my cousin, from my paternal side. She recently moved nearby (implying that she used to live further away which would be the truth). This is not the first time we have done this, but it was so very nice to do this again. But, what happened is, is that we talked about my paternal side, which makes the maudlin Scot ancestors of my mothers side all nostalgic for that which cannot ever be had… which is the attainment of some sort of connect with all my relatives (maternal and paternal) which is somehow absent of that which makes us all human… and by that I mean critical judgment (and because this is mainly about me, I am of course referring to the critical judgment of myself). OK, here I go feebleizing again (same root word, just go with it, I make words up). So, what did I end up doing… I went in and found the facebook pages of “long lost” relatives (OK, they aren’t all that long or lost, but I don’t see them that often… to the extent that I really don’t know them).

So, they all graciously “friended” me, even one I have not seen since he was like 6 but was one of my favorites from his family branch. SO I delved into and “reunited” with paternal family members… but there are plenty of maternal family members that are not speaking to us (mainly, in my mind, due to the fact that by comparison we are Godless)… I found a cousin in law, and like me she was pretty open with what she has on the web… and part of me felt guilty for looking into her blogs and such because the side of the family she is on has made it very “virtually” clear that we are not welcome into their lives (and probably because we are Godless by comparison). But, as I read what she had written I realized how much I liked her based on what I was seeing, she struggled with so many similar things, she loves similar things, she is artsy… so I sat in front of my computer with this thought that I had to leave a comment… but how, and what to do and say.

So I found a book and I commented on it and I said things that popped into my head and gave her the power of what was to happen with that comment.
I expect, says the pessimist in me, that it will end there, I will not hear from her, which will make it clear that I am not to do any such crazy nonsense again. This, of course, would make me sad but I lay it at her feet, it is her choice and I promised to respect that. What I would like to have happen is a simple note, something that says somethign along one of the following;
I respect your person and that says that she thinks this is too tough to deal with right now, I want to be able to examine this and perhaps revisit this in the future.
Or
Thank you for the note, I will look into the author recommendation. Feel free to comment again.

I don’t know but as may be obvious, this is just a post to let her know I mean absolutely no harm. Really.

But the best news is that I really love the cousin I had dinner with… a lot!

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